Just two days after leaving a relationship in which I was not in my power – constantly disrespected, not heard, and a drowning sex life, I was tasked to travel to Arkansas weekly to work on a project as part of my technology management consulting job. This kicked off a year of living a lifestyle I had dreamed of all my life. For the better part of a year, I was flying to Arkansas for the week, then traveling to anywhere I chose within the US for the weekend. This lifestyle included lots of nice drinks, good food, and frequent socializing. I made frequent weekend trips to Miami to get my advanced scuba diving certification and dive shipwrecks in Key Largo, to learn salsa dancing in Little Havana, and to party my socks off in South Beach. It was a dream life in many ways, something you see in the movies.
To arrive at this “dream” lifestyle, I worked fifty- to sixty-hour weeks with high pressure from clients, completed a never-ending number of tasks, took red-eye flights with two hours of sleep, caffeinated myself to pull it all off, drank and partied away my stress, and “powered through” any fatigue, headaches, or discomfort. I thought I was the strongest man in the world, so I could handle it. This mentality meant I also wanted to look good, so I pushed through heavy weightlifting sessions and one-mile swims in the few hours I had available on the road. I was living the lifestyle I always believed I wanted, and I was getting the praise, promotions, and income that I worked so hard for my entire career. Yet for some reason, my day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute feeling was one of frustration, anxiety, and overall dissatisfaction. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, but I do now.
To arrive at this “dream” lifestyle, I worked fifty- to sixty-hour weeks with high pressure from clients, completed a never-ending number of tasks, took red-eye flights with two hours of sleep, caffeinated myself to pull it all off, drank and partied away my stress, and “powered through” any fatigue, headaches, or discomfort. I thought I was the strongest man in the world, so I could handle it. This mentality meant I also wanted to look good, so I pushed through heavy weightlifting sessions and one-mile swims in the few hours I had available on the road. I was living the lifestyle I always believed I wanted, and I was getting the praise, promotions, and income that I worked so hard for my entire career. Yet for some reason, my day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute feeling was one of frustration, anxiety, and overall dissatisfaction. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, but I do now.
I was feeling dissatisfied because this way of living was stressful and exhausting! I was basically pushing my human limits. Many “successful” people I knew were doing the same, so I figured it was acceptable and necessary to thrive. In November of 2017, I started paying the price for my “work hard, play hard,” “power through it” lifestyle. I started to wake up with severe fatigue, intense muscle aches, dizziness, and cognitive dysfunction. I could not get out of bed, I could not walk, I felt pain 24/7, and I lost my ability to read, write, and even think. It even hurt to feel emotions. Initially, each of these flare-up events lasted one to three weeks, and this occurred five times over the course of the next ten months. I moved to San Diego in June of 2018 to settle into one location so I could lower my stress and establish a consistent dating life; however, two months later, I experienced my fifth flare-up, one in which my symptoms never went away. This flare-up had me mostly housebound and bed bound for six months, and had me experiencing persistent fatigue, pain, and cognitive issues for far longer. And so the journey began…
I started seeing doctor after doctor. I had the well-regarded UC San Diego medical system at my disposal, as well as many specialists to guide me. But the answer was always the same … they could not identify what was going on with me. Through this experience, and from hearing experiences of others with similar symptoms, I began to realize that the medical system wasn’t going to magically heal me. We have a great medical system for many, but this system was designed to treat those who experience a specific set of conditions within a box. This may be due to underfunded and underdeveloped research for many modern lifestyle-based illnesses, or maybe because patient care is tailored to cure health issues only when they can be resolved by a medication developed by a company that will greatly profit from the illness. But that is a conversation for another day. At this point, I knew I had to continue to look for answers, no one doctor was going to magically heal me.
I started seeing doctor after doctor. I had the well-regarded UC San Diego medical system at my disposal, as well as many specialists to guide me. But the answer was always the same … they could not identify what was going on with me. Through this experience, and from hearing experiences of others with similar symptoms, I began to realize that the medical system wasn’t going to magically heal me. We have a great medical system for many, but this system was designed to treat those who experience a specific set of conditions within a box. This may be due to underfunded and underdeveloped research for many modern lifestyle-based illnesses, or maybe because patient care is tailored to cure health issues only when they can be resolved by a medication developed by a company that will greatly profit from the illness. But that is a conversation for another day. At this point, I knew I had to continue to look for answers, no one doctor was going to magically heal me.
Over the course of the next year, I starting moving in the right direction by working with a naturopathic doctor who put me on a strict diet, supplement, and IV regimen to fix my gut from a variety of bacterial issues, boost my immune system, and reduce inflammation in my brain and body. I also worked with a great chiropractor who helped me begin to balance my overly active nervous system stress response. In September of 2019, I was able to find another naturopathic doctor who finally diagnosed me with myalgic encephalomyelitis (also known as chronic fatigue syndrome), a debilitating neuroinflammatory condition without a known cure, a condition that has kept many at home and isolated from the world for years, some for decades. I now knew what was ahead of me. I started going to Stanford University, which is a leading caretaker for this condition, and they helped me find some tools to manage my condition. But overall, without a targeted treatment for this condition, the impact was minimal, and I knew the rest was up to me.
Even though the diagnosis and the journey ahead was scary, with no certainty of ever healing, I was optimistic because I have always had perseverance and personal transformation wasn’t new to me. A decade ago, I had lost sixty-three pounds in less than one year by trying a variety of exercise routines and diets, which eventually heeded fitness results I never thought were possible. This transformation helped me run Tough Mudder and Spartan Race events and gave me newfound physical abilities and confidence to hike difficult trails across the US, scuba dive shipwrecks, and swim long distances in the ocean. I also had established a mindfulness meditation practice several years ago to better handle work and relationship stress, as well as sharpen my focus and awareness to enhance my productivity, presence, and leadership abilities in the workplace. These experiences provided me the inner knowing that I can succeed at anything I dedicated myself to. And, this was must my toughest test.
Even though the diagnosis and the journey ahead was scary, with no certainty of ever healing, I was optimistic because I have always had perseverance and personal transformation wasn’t new to me. A decade ago, I had lost sixty-three pounds in less than one year by trying a variety of exercise routines and diets, which eventually heeded fitness results I never thought were possible. This transformation helped me run Tough Mudder and Spartan Race events and gave me newfound physical abilities and confidence to hike difficult trails across the US, scuba dive shipwrecks, and swim long distances in the ocean. I also had established a mindfulness meditation practice several years ago to better handle work and relationship stress, as well as sharpen my focus and awareness to enhance my productivity, presence, and leadership abilities in the workplace. These experiences provided me the inner knowing that I can succeed at anything I dedicated myself to. And, this was must my toughest test.
Since a hallmark of my illness was nervous system stress response dysfunction, I knew I needed to alter my physiology. One thing I had learned from my research is that healing happens when you access the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation and restoration, and when accessing theta brainwave states. I used any small amounts of energy available to try meditation, breathwork, and wellness therapies to access these deep and restful states. Many positive effects arose from going inward into deeper layers of my subconscious. The meditation helped reduce stress, soothed the extreme fatigue, and reduced the cognitive issues. The breathwork and sauna oxygenated and relaxed my body, significantly reducing the intense body aches. As a side effect, these inward practices connected me closer with my purpose, my beliefs, my passions, and my desires. Becoming an observer of myself kicked off my healing process by teaching me that disease manifests from not being fully connected with myself and my true self. Once I learned this, I got to know myself better, and I was committed to showing up authentically as one unified being in my body and in the world.
As soon as I had enough health to begin socializing, I made some friends at an improv workshop, who ended up being future brothers and partners in developing a men’s community. The purpose statement I crafted as part of our men’s group was to “unleash the power of my presence.” This meant consistently speaking my truth in a way that is felt by others, connecting with others with depth and authenticity, having the deep intimacy I desired, making a real impact with my life’s work, on my terms – and most importantly, reclaiming my health and vitality. This process, guided greatly by my men’s group brothers, helped me identify and clear my deepest suppressed emotions and beliefs. I learned how to express myself authentically without a veil of how I “should” show up. This meant fully expressing all my emotions, whether they are excitement, anger, frustration, or sadness. I also learned how to create and lead in this world based on a purpose and passion that was unique to me. Through my inner journey, I discovered that having a commanding presence isn’t something that is faked or forced, it is a higher level of awareness, combined with authenticity and passion – that I can stand for and share with the people around me.
As soon as I had enough health to begin socializing, I made some friends at an improv workshop, who ended up being future brothers and partners in developing a men’s community. The purpose statement I crafted as part of our men’s group was to “unleash the power of my presence.” This meant consistently speaking my truth in a way that is felt by others, connecting with others with depth and authenticity, having the deep intimacy I desired, making a real impact with my life’s work, on my terms – and most importantly, reclaiming my health and vitality. This process, guided greatly by my men’s group brothers, helped me identify and clear my deepest suppressed emotions and beliefs. I learned how to express myself authentically without a veil of how I “should” show up. This meant fully expressing all my emotions, whether they are excitement, anger, frustration, or sadness. I also learned how to create and lead in this world based on a purpose and passion that was unique to me. Through my inner journey, I discovered that having a commanding presence isn’t something that is faked or forced, it is a higher level of awareness, combined with authenticity and passion – that I can stand for and share with the people around me.
Through deep emotional intelligence work, along with the expression work in my men’s group, I began to create a new relationship to the different flavors and volumes of my emotions that I perpetually experience. I also began to believe in the possibility that my chronic health condition had an emotional component to it. All those years of pushing through stress, not owning my power or getting my needs met, and complying to others’ rules had taken an emotional toll on me.
I signed up for a couple of courses to learn how to rewire my brain from being fear-led, to being led by abundance and endless possibility. This was a giant step in my recovery and growth. Through daily exercises focused on neural rewiring, heart opening, and embodying the emotions that resemble the archetypes of the man I choose to be, I started to move past old, stuck ways of thinking and feeling, and began to create new, intentional ways of thinking, feeling, and acting that better serve my desired life. As I elevated my thoughts and emotions, I noticed that my health symptoms drastically decreased, I felt more inner peace, and cultivated a greater excitement for life. As a result of this elevated energy I was putting out, more things began to go my way with my health, with intimacy, socially, and in business. This is something I could not fully explain, and something I did not need to. I was transforming from a man burdened by constriction in his body, lack of awareness, and the need to constantly “do” to control the future, to a man grounded in inner peace, awareness, and the surrender to flow and the feeling of the moment. This journey has brought much healing and growth, I am excited to see what it brings next.
